Episode 362
The Hidden Powers of Disappointment with Dr Dee | DFS 362
Get all the inside secrets and tools you need to help you develop your intuitive and leadership skills so you are on the path to the highest level of success with ease. Dr. Dee shares with us why high achievers avoid disappointment and how facing it unlocks true power, pressure and growth.
In this episode you will learn:
- Harnessing Disappointment for Growth
- Leading with Emotional Intelligence
- Aligning Goals with True Potential
Who is Dr. Dee?
Dr. Denise Adele Trudeau Poskas—known widely as Dr. Dee—is a scientist at heart, a coach by craft, and a catalyst by nature. With a background in biological sciences and neuroscience, paired with advanced degrees in leadership and team empowerment, Dr. Dee has spent her career decoding what truly drives human potential—especially in high achievers, entrepreneurs, and visionary leaders.
She is the co-founder of Blue Egg Leadership, a certified ICF coach, and the architect behind breakthrough methodologies including EQ-Edge©, SynoVation Valley Leadership Academy, Stroke of Genius©, +Mind Framing+©, and Brilliant Teams©. As a member of the Forbes Coaches Council, she contributes expert insight to global conversations on leadership, neuroscience, and emotional intelligence.
Website: BlueEggLeadership.com
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/DrDeniseTrudeauPoskas
Facebook: facebook.com/BlueEggLeadership
If you are ready to start reaching your goals instead of simply dreaming about it, start today with 12minutegift.com!
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Are you ready to tiptoe into your intuition and tap into your soul’s message? Let’s talk
Listen in as Jennifer Takagi, founder of Takagi Consulting, Certified High Performance Coach, 5X time Amazon.Com Best Selling-Author, Certified Soul Care Coach, Certified Jack Canfield Success Principle Trainer, Certified Professional Behavioral Analyst and Facilitator of the DISC Behavioral Profiles, Certified Change Style Indicator Facilitator, Law of Attraction Practitioner, and Certified Coaching Specialist - leadership entrepreneur, speaker and trainer, shares the lessons she’s learned along the way. Each episode is designed to give you the tools, ideas, and inspiration to lead with integrity. Humor is a big part of Jennifer’s life, so expect a few puns and possibly some sarcasm. Tune in for a motivational guest, a story or tips to take you even closer to that success you’ve been coveting. Please share the episodes that inspired you the most and be sure to leave a comment.
Official Website: http://www.jennifertakagi.com
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/jennifertakagi/
Facebook: facebook.com/takagiconsulting
I look forward to connecting with you soon,
Jennifer Takagi
Speaker, Trainer, Author, Energy Healer
PS: We would love to hear from you! For questions, coaching, or to book interviews, please email my team at Jennifer@takagiconsulting.com
Transcript
Foreign Welcome to Destin for success. I'm your
Jennifer Takagi:host, Jennifer Takagi, and today I'm so honored to have dr d with
Jennifer Takagi:us. Dr D's talk is the hidden power of disappointment, based
Jennifer Takagi:on her book. And wow, have we not had lots of disappointment.
Jennifer Takagi:Dr D is is a scientist at heart and a coach by craft. I love
Jennifer Takagi:that, and a catalyst by nature with a background in biological
Jennifer Takagi:sciences and neuroscience, paired with advanced degrees in
Jennifer Takagi:leadership and team empowerment. Dr D has spent her career
Jennifer Takagi:decoding the truly at what truly drives human potential,
Jennifer Takagi:especially in high achievers, entrepreneurs and visionary
Jennifer Takagi:leaders. And this means so much to me because having been a
Jennifer Takagi:leader, a manager, supervisor, all the different kinds of
Jennifer Takagi:titles throughout my life, when I left my government job as a
Jennifer Takagi:manager and started learning all the things I shoulda could've
Jennifer Takagi:learned and known, and I would have been such a better leader.
Jennifer Takagi:I was like, wow. Like, I I need, I need to share this with
Jennifer Takagi:people, because it could have been easier on me and my staff,
Jennifer Takagi:like, all the way around. The whole thing could have been
Jennifer Takagi:easier. Welcome to the show. And how on earth did you get into
Jennifer Takagi:this? I love this biological stuff nature, like
Dr Dee:you put up everything, right? Yeah, I love that I knew
Dr Dee:you were reading your bios, like she does everything so well. I'm
Dr Dee:glad to be here. I got to listen to quite a few of your podcasts.
Dr Dee:And I love this concept that you said that there's a difference
Dr Dee:in management and leadership. And very early on, I started in
Dr Dee:science, wanting to be pre med, and then I got called into
Dr Dee:leadership, and at that time, there's a big difference. I was
Dr Dee:really a manager. I was a manager of people in my 20s,
Dr Dee:working for an embassy, and I thought I could do this better,
Dr Dee:and I wasn't resonating with it as much. I loved leading people.
Dr Dee:I loved that vision, and then strategically, you know, growing
Dr Dee:that to that level. But I get some feed forward from people
Dr Dee:that said, you know, you demand too much, or your vision is too
Dr Dee:big, or certain things, or, you know, maybe not be so direct,
Dr Dee:but be direct you want to have personal agency. But that led me
Dr Dee:into exploring this whole concept of what in the 20s, what
Dr Dee:makes some people successful and others not? It cannot be the way
Dr Dee:they grew up, right? It can't be exactly what state they come
Dr Dee:from or what country. It has to be some inner work, and that's
Dr Dee:where I started exploring psychology, which led, then
Dr Dee:later on, still in leadership roles and organizations. I
Dr Dee:thought they moved too slow. How can we speed this up? So then I
Dr Dee:kind of like you where you just study the whole approach. I'm
Dr Dee:like, well, let's throw some positive psyche in there,
Dr Dee:because that's better emotional intelligence. That's
Dr Dee:fascinating, but it's always this in indicator of, can I
Dr Dee:measure what we're doing? And so when I became a leader in a
Dr Dee:university, I wanted to measure my leadership with a benchmark
Dr Dee:program, you know, like one that's been researched, that's
Dr Dee:all you do is research good leaders. And you get these 360s
Dr Dee:and those gaps maybe say, You know what, I'm going to look at
Dr Dee:coaching, because I have a PhD in leadership, I have an MBA,
Dr Dee:and I still can get better. And that's when I started looking
Dr Dee:into coaching, and it turned the whole frame like leading is
Dr Dee:about listening, and I did listen, but I listened at a
Dr Dee:level that was for the next action. And so I started being
Dr Dee:fascinated. What's on the other side of listening in leading,
Dr Dee:and it's a big difference in management, as you said, because
Dr Dee:you're like management is focused on what's the next
Dr Dee:action or policy leadership, what's the next? What's the next
Dr Dee:uncovering, as I say, in leadership. So that's when I
Dr Dee:decided to move out of leadership entirely. No rules,
Dr Dee:nothing informal, on i i start coaching and and more until full
Dr Dee:time coaching always still fascinated with the science
Dr Dee:piece, and that's when I got into neuroscience of the brain.
Dr Dee:I'm like, if I can figure this brain thing out, right? If I
Dr Dee:could figure this brain thing, we are going to make this
Dr Dee:objective. We're going to make this more objective and
Dr Dee:measurable to people. And not only that, there's this side
Dr Dee:that you have, the human side, and then you have the spiritual
Dr Dee:side. You do both. You do both in a way that's palatable
Dr Dee:wherever they come. But if I can at least start with the. The
Dr Dee:science side and just say this is what's going on. I found out
Dr Dee:for myself. It unhooked me and my high expectations in the
Dr Dee:world. I could still have them, but I find them funny when they
Dr Dee:fail, versus Right, right? I'm like, oh, that's fast, and that
Dr Dee:failed, and it only took me a day to get up this time instead
Dr Dee:of a week, that's fascinating to me. So I have, I've paired the
Dr Dee:two. I just love the science. I've always loved the Science,
Dr Dee:and so it makes up for the fact that it become a doctor, I
Dr Dee:suppose, but it also I love unhooking people and and healing
Dr Dee:what they're doing to themselves. And for me, I
Dr Dee:coaching is one avenue, but the most intelligent science and the
Dr Dee:neuroscience combined together fascinates me, right? Like
Dr Dee:fascinates me it is.
Jennifer Takagi:It's so much fun, and it's so much fun when
Jennifer Takagi:you can, like, you're having an interaction with somebody, and
Jennifer Takagi:you can just very easily know what's triggering them, what's
Jennifer Takagi:bothering them, and you're like, man. And I even have an answer
Jennifer Takagi:for that, if only they wanted to hear it, but I have an answer
Dr Dee:you can tell em. Yeah, right, yeah. I
Jennifer Takagi:Well, disappointment. I mean, that
Jennifer Takagi:intrigues me, and I know, I know that's all tied to the
Jennifer Takagi:neuroscience, but it's like, and I love that. You know, it used
Jennifer Takagi:to take me a week to get back up. Now I get up in a day. So
Jennifer Takagi:that's like, let's look at
Dr Dee:that. Yeah. Well, I started, I realized early on my
Dr Dee:personality types of ENTJ, that's just a personality type,
Dr Dee:so the preference, but we love leadership, and we love moving
Dr Dee:things forward, just like you do. I know you do the same, but
Dr Dee:you're more visionary. But I realized that my pictures my
Dr Dee:mind, this would sometimes flop like I couldn't get it to that
Dr Dee:level. And then so I realized early on, this is what this
Dr Dee:feels like. The other thing is, a source of avoidance for so
Dr Dee:many of my leaders. I don't want to feel it. I will do risk
Dr Dee:aversion anything. I don't feel that thing. High achievers are
Dr Dee:the same. I don't I'll suppress it. And so a couple years ago,
Dr Dee:several years ago, I was really starting to research, like, what
Dr Dee:is the science behind this, because that has to lend to some
Dr Dee:theory. And Jennifer, it's so fascinating. Like I found out
Dr Dee:there was a spot in our brain the it's specially made for
Dr Dee:disappointment. Wow, yeah, the hammer, Noah, it's called, and
Dr Dee:it just in your brain to feel disappointment. And what's that
Dr Dee:called? It's the Haber Nola, and it's like micro connect to other
Dr Dee:pieces, luckily. And I thought all that would explain it, but
Dr Dee:good riddance. We have a special spot just for that, like that.
Dr Dee:Then when I read that a couple years ago, like I am going to
Dr Dee:see what I can do with my clients, to not avoid, but to
Dr Dee:unhook, to notice it and hook, because the biology of it is
Dr Dee:fascinating, it's going to get triggered. And it's
Dr Dee:disappointment by definition. Is the expectation was not met, so
Dr Dee:what we expected we did not see, right? So we have a gap, and
Dr Dee:that's all it means, but the effect on people is great. It is
Dr Dee:why some achievers stop trying, because I don't want to be
Dr Dee:disappointed, or I'm always disappointed, or you have some
Dr Dee:that have perfectionism, then that's wired in a part of the
Dr Dee:brain almost like, you know, a cycle of I'm never happy because
Dr Dee:I'm always disappointed, right? So that fascinated me. And then,
Dr Dee:of course, while writing the book, suddenly, like tons of
Dr Dee:disappointing vets popped up, luckily. Then I made stories out
Dr Dee:of them too. But it was so freeing for my clients to lean
Dr Dee:into what does it look like for me? What's going on? What are my
Dr Dee:triggers around this? What ego work do I do here? And it
Dr Dee:started freeing them to do some of the activities. So my middle
Dr Dee:part of my book is all about, let's, you know, five steps to
Dr Dee:get through the process. One is resurgent. You know, it's more
Dr Dee:toward the end. But Jennifer, I find that there's just like so
Dr Dee:freeing for people to have a process, to go and navigate it
Dr Dee:and get on the other side of what did I learn? What did I
Dr Dee:leave and what did I let go? Because that's the that's the
Dr Dee:power, the hidden power of disappointment. It ignites part
Dr Dee:of our brain and creativity. If we look for it, that's the
Dr Dee:hidden power. It makes our brain like. Are hyper vigilant to
Dr Dee:possibilities. Most people don't realize that's the power, right?
Dr Dee:Most people like, I just want to avoid it, and then they get over
Dr Dee:reactive. But that's right. I don't know if you, if not you,
Dr Dee:but other people, right? Other people like, overreact, and so,
Jennifer Takagi:oh, I do. I do? I can, and I could do it
Jennifer Takagi:dramatically
Dr Dee:with some flair, right? Yes, with some wonderful flair.
Dr Dee:Yeah, right. So that's, we call that the, you know, with my
Dr Dee:class, the reactive. You want to be reactive. You want to have
Dr Dee:rhythm. We're not going to stop triggers. Yeah? So then in that
Dr Dee:reactivity, though, don't you feel like, like a loop happens
Dr Dee:for you? Like, now I'm going to question my other things, and
Dr Dee:now I'm going to feel guilty, right? You ever feel that?
Jennifer Takagi:Yeah, there's like, there's like, this whole
Jennifer Takagi:deal, and if you're like, I could have, I could have done
Jennifer Takagi:that better. My husband and I were as in marriage counseling.
Jennifer Takagi:We had a lot happen very quickly in our marriage, and it was
Jennifer Takagi:like, I yeah, I can't manage this. There's just there was a
Jennifer Takagi:lot. And so we went to see our associate pastor who had a
Jennifer Takagi:Masters in clinical psychology. So it was really kind of great.
Jennifer Takagi:Instead of just going to a preacher who says, look at God,
Jennifer Takagi:quit looking at each other. Okay, that's not helping me,
Jennifer Takagi:right now, that big, I'm not that good of a person today. So
Jennifer Takagi:we're in there one day, and one of us had blown up about
Jennifer Takagi:something, you know, flip a coin. Which one of us it was
Jennifer Takagi:right? And he said, The Old Testament has, I think it's in
Jennifer Takagi:Proverbs, maybe Proverbs, or Psalms, one of those P ones, and
Jennifer Takagi:it says, There is a road that feels right, or there is a path
Jennifer Takagi:that feels right to man, but in the end, it leads to death. And
Jennifer Takagi:he said, when you blow up at somebody, when you vent, you
Jennifer Takagi:know, we all like to vent, right? Get it off, but when you
Jennifer Takagi:vent, you're literally killing part of the relationship. Every
Jennifer Takagi:time you do that, it just builds and builds and kills the
Jennifer Takagi:relationship. The New Testament does not have a quote about
Jennifer Takagi:this, but like the whole point of the New Testament of the
Jennifer Takagi:Bible is there is a road that feels like death, but in the
Jennifer Takagi:end, it leads to life. And that feeling like death is when you
Jennifer Takagi:don't React, React inappropriately, you don't
Jennifer Takagi:murder part of the relationship. And so it'd be like, oh, like,
Jennifer Takagi:Man, I just did it. I just, I just killed another little part,
Jennifer Takagi:because I just reacted. And so through some other things, like
Jennifer Takagi:level three behavior, that's a whole another conversation we
Jennifer Takagi:won't get into. But like, level three behavior is like, doing
Jennifer Takagi:the right thing, not being reactive, like really thinking
Jennifer Takagi:it through and not being judgmental. So I've got a little
Jennifer Takagi:core, core group of of girlfriends and and when we're
Jennifer Takagi:having a bad day and we like, Diary of the mouth of all the
Jennifer Takagi:little things about that airplane that never took off and
Jennifer Takagi:we had to change flights and blah, blah, blah, it's like, Man
Jennifer Takagi:Jennifer, like, literally, I got a text that said, this is not
Jennifer Takagi:level three behavior. And when we when I finally arrived, I
Jennifer Takagi:said, this was not only not level three. Like, I don't think
Jennifer Takagi:I made it to one. Like, I was so terrible. Like, those are the
Jennifer Takagi:things that you have to choose in the moment every single time.
Jennifer Takagi:Like, I'm not going to react, I'm not going to have a fit, I'm
Jennifer Takagi:going to take a breath. You know? What did we always hear
Jennifer Takagi:growing up? Count to 10? Well,
Dr Dee:there's something to that, right?
Jennifer Takagi:There's so much to it. And like, why didn't I
Jennifer Takagi:learn that when I was 12? But I didn't learn,
Dr Dee:right? No, you learned the other way. You learn that if
Dr Dee:we're more reactive, we got a little more attention, and then
Dr Dee:that was a release, right? Yeah,
Jennifer Takagi:yeah, then you're like, Oh man, I saw the
Jennifer Takagi:look on his face, and I just killed something. I just did.
Dr Dee:It is insightful that you got that message from that
Dr Dee:source, you know. I mean, that is super powerful, and that is
Dr Dee:what is fascinating about the more we in you've heard this
Dr Dee:before. Joe Dispenza, everybody says, the more you fire, the
Dr Dee:more you wire it, so the more that we choose, because it feels
Dr Dee:right in the moment. It feels so right, you know, complain, and
Dr Dee:the more we wire that and fire that, the more it becomes the
Dr Dee:culture. So that's one thing, when we talk about
Dr Dee:disappointment, is you just get better with it. But even in your
Dr Dee:culture, it's taking out that water cooler talk. It's taking
Dr Dee:all that firing out so that you have to like. Said, I'm going to
Dr Dee:choose to step back de escalate, because nothing good is going to
Dr Dee:come out when I'm flooded, right? Nothing's good, and it's
Dr Dee:just going to keep wiring that thing that you know, the
Dr Dee:midbrain. The midbrain loves reactivity, and most people in
Dr Dee:even in leadership roles, Did you learn anything? I mean, I
Dr Dee:did at first, management learn about the step back, because now
Dr Dee:you're, you know, rewiring it, or anything like that. I think
Dr Dee:it's so important that they understand the way you
Dr Dee:communicate to people. It's probably your most powerful tool
Dr Dee:listen and communicate. And that means, how do you communicate to
Dr Dee:yourself when you got triggered, and something didn't look right
Dr Dee:on the team, right? Like,
Jennifer Takagi:yeah, and on that whole reactivity thing is,
Jennifer Takagi:and I used to do leadership development training for the
Jennifer Takagi:state of Oklahoma, and one of the things I would say is, like,
Jennifer Takagi:you have a chance to be better tomorrow, like whatever you did
Jennifer Takagi:today, that might have fallen short, or you think you could
Jennifer Takagi:have handled better. You don't have to beat yourself up all
Jennifer Takagi:day, but you can choose tomorrow. I'm going to handle it
Jennifer Takagi:differently, because in the work place, as well as in
Jennifer Takagi:relationships. The one big lesson I learned is whatever
Jennifer Takagi:problem you face, you're just going to keep having the same
Jennifer Takagi:problem until it's resolved. And it's usually communication
Jennifer Takagi:related, right? So as soon as you can quit having the fight
Jennifer Takagi:over the same thing and resolve it, the the easier it's going to
Jennifer Takagi:be all the way it is, because
Dr Dee:we tend to do the same pattern over looking for a
Dr Dee:different result. And I love that you said it's
Dr Dee:communication. That's why I got excited about neuro
Dr Dee:communication. If you just switch some of those words, like
Dr Dee:rapport building words, you change the it's called the neuro
Dr Dee:regulation. You change your energy, and you will know about
Dr Dee:energy. You change your energy between you and that person,
Dr Dee:right? And the dynamic shifts. And it's so cool to watch that
Dr Dee:rapport building. And it's inner work. And it's inner work to be
Dr Dee:able to say in my inside, I say this on the outside. I had a
Dr Dee:couple guy clients that were like, but what if I think
Dr Dee:they're an idiot, and I just don't say out loud, I'm like,
Dr Dee:nice start not we just talked about mirror neurons. It doesn't
Dr Dee:matter. They will feel that, and that's your work. No one is
Dr Dee:that. You're you're labeling. The labeling is, is is one of
Dr Dee:the first steps to the flooding. You know that is, that is our. I
Dr Dee:just feel as leaders, it's their and our responsibility to keep
Dr Dee:that inner work going so that our communication keeps
Dr Dee:improving around whatever it is, and it's not the person, it's
Dr Dee:objectively the thing they're doing, yeah, behavior,
Dr Dee:separating the person from the behavior. Because our brain is
Dr Dee:just going to be wired to reactivity. If we don't rewired
Dr Dee:it to be calm.
Jennifer Takagi:There is something, and I just have it
Jennifer Takagi:here, and I'm trying to find it, and I'm not going to,
Dr Dee:oh,
Jennifer Takagi:in high performance coaching, you start
Jennifer Takagi:the session with, what are you excited about? And it's very
Jennifer Takagi:different when you think about complaining and all the things
Jennifer Takagi:that went wrong with my flights of trying to get blah, blah,
Jennifer Takagi:blah. But when you start a coaching session or a
Jennifer Takagi:conversation, and I have started doing with this, with some
Jennifer Takagi:people who, like, will go down a negative path for like, way
Jennifer Takagi:longer than I want to be there. But if you start, what are you
Jennifer Takagi:excited about right now that like flips that whole dynamic
Jennifer Takagi:from that complaining and negativity, because it's like,
Jennifer Takagi:oh, and it's very rare that you get a response of nothing like
Jennifer Takagi:that might be another level of like, or a level of Depression
Jennifer Takagi:or like, more help that I'm can provide, yeah, but when you
Jennifer Takagi:start that conversation with, what are you excited about? It
Jennifer Takagi:just like flips it, because what do we usually do? And you might
Jennifer Takagi:know the answer to this, and it would make me so happy if you
Jennifer Takagi:did. Once upon a time, I was in some training, and they broke us
Jennifer Takagi:into groups, and they asked us the same question for the two
Jennifer Takagi:groups, but one group it was, come up with everything good
Jennifer Takagi:about this, and the other group was come up with everything bad
Jennifer Takagi:about this, and then we had to switch if you started talking
Jennifer Takagi:about everything good. About a topic, you got a really long
Jennifer Takagi:list, but if you started talking negative about it all the bad
Jennifer Takagi:things, then you could only come up with two or three good
Jennifer Takagi:things. So if you start your path with everything that's
Jennifer Takagi:good, love it, you get a whole lot more. But I don't know where
Jennifer Takagi:that came from. I don't know who told me. Have you heard that
Jennifer Takagi:before? Is that like, if I have,
Dr Dee:that is a real thing, and you'll hear different
Dr Dee:authors say that the what are your five wins? What are your
Dr Dee:five micro wins? Here's what you're doing. Is you're there's
Dr Dee:a part of our brain, and if it gets too scientific, just let me
Dr Dee:know. But if there's a part of brain called R, E, S, right, it
Dr Dee:says, Let me filter my experience through that. So if
Dr Dee:we start with the filter, and this is why it's so important,
Dr Dee:do not let your team have that filter. But if you start with
Dr Dee:the filter, everything is going these are all the bad things.
Dr Dee:The RAS says, Then I will look for that, and I will lock on.
Dr Dee:And it is slightly addictive, I think for people, gosh, it's so
Dr Dee:addictive it is because it is like, why people watch an
Dr Dee:accident, it the amygdala goes fight, flight or freeze, and it
Dr Dee:puts you in that state. Now you're trying to be resourceful,
Dr Dee:and you're trying to do something, you're trying to make
Dr Dee:decisions. You have no capacity of this whole Right, right? You
Dr Dee:don't have the capacity. So people are like, Well, I'm just
Dr Dee:being realistic. Of that is not realism, that is negativity,
Dr Dee:that skepticism, that means your brain doesn't want to look for
Dr Dee:anything. So positive sentiment override is where that came
Dr Dee:from. Gottman Institute talks about that with couples. It
Dr Dee:means you need to wire your brain for the prefrontal cortex
Dr Dee:and the RAS to say, I am looking for wins. I am looking for
Dr Dee:learnings. I'm looking for what's possible and positive.
Dr Dee:That's why people do gratitudes. Now, I mean, that was all that
Dr Dee:work, but that locks the RAS onto the right hand side of the
Dr Dee:brain, and it says, things are possible. Things are possible.
Dr Dee:It's not in the brain, brain anymore. So wherever you did
Dr Dee:that, whenever that science behind it still exist. And even
Dr Dee:more so when you do that, you know, even if you do it for your
Dr Dee:day, I'm having three wins today, and this will be this,
Dr Dee:this, this, right? Or when you're low, it's really like the
Dr Dee:brain shift. That's how I see it, like we have a choice, as
Dr Dee:you said, to go to the lowest denominator, which is the
Dr Dee:easiest, right? You know, the amygdala. Or we literally flip
Dr Dee:the switch and that that choice is every day. Do we choose that
Dr Dee:choice, and do we build that muscle? Right? That's all it is.
Dr Dee:It's building the muscle.
Jennifer Takagi:I was at my sister's and I was talking to my
Jennifer Takagi:brother in law, and he was getting all crotchety, and I
Jennifer Takagi:picked up my purse to leave, and he goes, Wait, wait, I want you
Jennifer Takagi:to help me with this? And I went, No, you're grouchy. And he
Jennifer Takagi:goes, I am. I'm an old man, and I can be grouchy. And I said,
Jennifer Takagi:Yeah, and I can walk out the door and I can leave, and I
Jennifer Takagi:don't have to listen to you be grouchy. And he was like, But,
Jennifer Takagi:but. And I went, No, I'm out. It's
Dr Dee:a good boundary, isn't it? That's a good boundary. And
Dr Dee:that right? You
Jennifer Takagi:want to listen to listen to people and you want
Jennifer Takagi:to have compassion, right? Like we, we want to be compassionate,
Jennifer Takagi:empathetic people. If you're listening to this podcast, you
Jennifer Takagi:should be wanting to be an empathetic, sympathetic person,
Jennifer Takagi:but at the same time, you don't have to be beat up by somebody
Jennifer Takagi:that wants to live in that, you know, pit of negativity that,
Jennifer Takagi:like, we're not going to get anywhere in this conversation,
Jennifer Takagi:so I'm just going to hug you goodbye and I'm out
Dr Dee:that door. Yeah? Well, and I like that you say, but
Dr Dee:there's a differentiation from compassion, like you said,
Dr Dee:compassion sometimes setting that boundary so they can step
Dr Dee:back and say, actually, that this negativity is not where I
Dr Dee:want to be, and compassion is out of our heart, right? That's
Dr Dee:what we talk about in generous authorities lead with
Dr Dee:compassion. It means putting a boundary around the lowest
Dr Dee:limiting beliefs that the people around you have, and that's not
Dr Dee:all of us. We need to do that work, but put a boundary on the
Dr Dee:lowest limiting beliefs of your team and have them build new
Dr Dee:ones. What's possible? What if everything was plausible? What
Dr Dee:would be exciting? As you said, if opportunities were limitless,
Dr Dee:what would it be? But it is really important in any culture.
Dr Dee:But any leadership is to really think about, what do I want to
Dr Dee:wire in the people around me? What do I want to wire myself,
Dr Dee:right? So I think compassion, like you said, is even more it
Dr Dee:is so powerful because it also says I am not going to allow a
Dr Dee:trigger to come out in my communication. If I get
Dr Dee:triggered, I'm going to have processes, and I'm going to come
Dr Dee:out very clear. I'm going to in your language. We always say,
Dr Dee:use inclusive language. You. Language, it builds rapport. But
Dr Dee:that is very clear about what would I like to see? What do I
Dr Dee:already see? And what would I like to see for this
Dr Dee:relationship? Right? So it's holding people to kind of a
Dr Dee:standard that they they want, because it's painful, right?
Dr Dee:When you when we have those reactions, they're not fun after
Dr Dee:you're done, right? Because she's
Jennifer Takagi:killed part of the relationship. Yes,
Dr Dee:exactly. That's a t shirt I killed part of the
Dr Dee:relationship today. Yeah, right.
Jennifer Takagi:Damn, I did it next time. Did it again.
Dr Dee:Yeah. But it's true. Because if you study Hawkins
Dr Dee:work, David Hawkins studied, just met, you know, I love these
Dr Dee:Jennifer, I tell my clients, I love these people that just
Dr Dee:research one thing. He studied energy, frequencies of every
Dr Dee:emotion, and when you allow react, I'm getting so excited to
Dr Dee:pull it down when you allow reactions like negativity, fear,
Dr Dee:anger, compulsion, the energy is lower. The regulation of the
Dr Dee:room will lower, unless you have somebody that's a higher
Dr Dee:frequency. So like, compassion is one of the highest. It takes
Dr Dee:work to get there. It's not like one client said, can I just fake
Dr Dee:empathy? No, we're not talking about that, but it right.
Jennifer Takagi:Get you somebody
Dr Dee:you're going to need to do work, because Empathy means
Dr Dee:that I went inside and stopped judging myself. I just stopped
Dr Dee:judging myself, and was more compassionate to self, which is
Dr Dee:sometimes for leaders. And you know, one of your podcasts that
Dr Dee:reach out for help? Um, that's so true. Reach out and also heal
Dr Dee:within, because then you're going to be a better leader, and
Dr Dee:that, that's the piece. So you What did you say so you don't
Dr Dee:kill a part of the relationship? I because you do if we express
Dr Dee:it in that way over and over again.
Jennifer Takagi:Well, and you know, there's that right now, I
Jennifer Takagi:think. And I haven't done any, you know, statistics on this in
Jennifer Takagi:a few years, but a few years ago, I did see something that,
Jennifer Takagi:like, we had more generations in the workforce than had ever been
Jennifer Takagi:in there before. We still had the traditionals. We had the
Jennifer Takagi:baby boomers, the Gen Xs, the Gen Ys, and the Gen Zs were
Jennifer Takagi:coming in. So, like, we have this whole thing. And shortly
Jennifer Takagi:after covid, I reached out to a man that I worked with and have
Jennifer Takagi:known for years in Washington, DC, and I don't know why, I just
Jennifer Takagi:thought about him, and I was like, Oh my gosh, his wife's a
Jennifer Takagi:teacher, and he's a federal executive, and he God, I think
Jennifer Takagi:that kid's in college. Like, what's happening with him? And I
Jennifer Takagi:reached out, and he called, and he goes, Wow, yeah. Like, I have
Jennifer Takagi:my spot in the house where I do my work, and my wife has hers,
Jennifer Takagi:and our son's in college, so he's home now, because nobody
Jennifer Takagi:was in in college, and he goes, but it's really lovely. We all
Jennifer Takagi:come together for lunch every day. And like, how many times as
Jennifer Takagi:a college student do you get to sit down and have lunch with
Jennifer Takagi:your parents, which I had great parents. I'm assuming they were
Jennifer Takagi:great parents, because they're I met him and his wife. They were
Jennifer Takagi:great people. So surely they were my parents. I'm going to
Jennifer Takagi:make that assumption, yeah. How often do you get to do that
Jennifer Takagi:right? And he said, I always hated working from home, and I
Jennifer Takagi:thought I never had, but I hated that employees did. I thought it
Jennifer Takagi:was bad. I thought it was terrible, and now I'm seeing all
Jennifer Takagi:the possibilities. And I said, Yeah, who knew we were the old
Jennifer Takagi:farts going, we want you in the office. We want to see you. And
Jennifer Takagi:now, oh my gosh. Now they're like, all kinds of organizations
Jennifer Takagi:are like, Oh yeah, we just need four people in the office to do
Jennifer Takagi:these types of jobs, and the other people don't need to be
Jennifer Takagi:and it's that change. It's that embracing the difference. But
Jennifer Takagi:when you are just so focused on either the negativity or what
Jennifer Takagi:won't work, I had a conversation with my husband one day, and I
Jennifer Takagi:said, I'm going to tell you something, but I don't want you
Jennifer Takagi:to react. Going to happen anytime soon. And he goes, Okay,
Jennifer Takagi:what? And I said, I want to do a little home remodel, and this is
Jennifer Takagi:what I want to do. And he immediately, like, I barely got
Jennifer Takagi:my vision out, and he goes, that's a weight bearing wall,
Jennifer Takagi:and you can't do that. And where are you going to do this? And
Jennifer Takagi:like, he just, like, was shredding it. I just let him go,
Jennifer Takagi:like, I just let him shred it. And I said, weight bearing walls
Jennifer Takagi:can be sheared up. I've watched enough HGTV. We can't personally
Jennifer Takagi:do that. Somebody can, and you need to let it go, because one
Jennifer Takagi:day it's going to happen. I'm just giving you enough headway,
Jennifer Takagi:so when it does,
Jennifer Takagi:be ready. Hey, oh,
Jennifer Takagi:you told me this was going to happen. Obviously, he will be
Jennifer Takagi:in. Involved when I actually get around to doing it, but it's
Jennifer Takagi:that, that immediate response to No, it's bad, it will never
Jennifer Takagi:work, and that that goes along with this whole leadership style
Jennifer Takagi:and looking for the positive and the what ifs right, because your
Jennifer Takagi:day just looks so much better when you wake up. And what is
Jennifer Takagi:that song? Um, good morning to you. Good morning to you for all
Jennifer Takagi:in our places with bright, shiny face. I mean, silly little song,
Jennifer Takagi:but yes, I sing it to my cat on occasion. Yes, nice, right? And
Jennifer Takagi:he doesn't like it at all. Oh, the cat does not like it at all.
Jennifer Takagi:But we have to choose. And in Oprah's latest book, well, she
Jennifer Takagi:might have had another one, but a couple years ago, I listened
Jennifer Takagi:to her audio book, and she said, Whatever decade it was, she had
Jennifer Takagi:her gratitude practice, and she wrote every night before bed,
Jennifer Takagi:she wrote three things she was grateful for that day, and they
Jennifer Takagi:and there was no repetition, which to me, I was like, oh, you
Jennifer Takagi:can't repeat. Like, how do you do that? Now I know how you do
Jennifer Takagi:that. But at the time, I was like, Oh my gosh, that's too big
Jennifer Takagi:for me. I can't do that. And she said, I created and manifested
Jennifer Takagi:more amazing experiences and business deals and money than in
Jennifer Takagi:any other 10 years of my life. And I don't know why I quit
Jennifer Takagi:doing it, but you set your brain looking for more positive things
Jennifer Takagi:to help, looks
Dr Dee:for it. Yeah, yeah, it really. And that's the the piece
Dr Dee:that, and it's not, it's not like a flighty thing. We have
Dr Dee:the science to back that we when people you raise their emotional
Dr Dee:intelligence, which means they're wire in the brain to
Dr Dee:look for that, that means they have better. Productivity goes
Dr Dee:up like 48% so if you want to think about productivities, find
Dr Dee:their strengths, invest in some emotional intelligence growth,
Dr Dee:because in the end, and then decision making goes up like 35
Dr Dee:38% and that means better, leaning into risk, making better
Dr Dee:decisions, looking environmentally, scanning. So
Dr Dee:it's not a theory, it. It's a practice of right that we we can
Dr Dee:prove that when you are wiring your brain not to point fingers,
Dr Dee:that's a rule, not to blame you're looking for. What is it
Dr Dee:that we see? What is it that we see we don't like? And what does
Dr Dee:it see we we want to choose to create. It is an inclusive way
Dr Dee:for everybody to wire that we're in this we got each other's
Dr Dee:back, and we're going to move forward. And it raises so much,
Dr Dee:as you said, potential, and people and have them do the same
Dr Dee:thing, have them do the gratitudes. And your brain likes
Dr Dee:novelty, so make sure it is different, because that is like,
Dr Dee:it's there's sometimes it's just a fast thing to switch that RAS
Dr Dee:off, but people think, well, it's too easy that, why should I
Dr Dee:do that, but it's too easy, because you're wired to be able
Dr Dee:to do it right, switching.
Jennifer Takagi:Well, it, it doesn't have to be hard. When I
Jennifer Takagi:was in college, people tease me about this, God, I got teased
Jennifer Takagi:last night by my uncle about this. I have a degree in French
Jennifer Takagi:and Spanish. No, I don't use them when I travel places, they
Jennifer Takagi:speak Spanish. I can speak quite a bit France. No, like, I try,
Jennifer Takagi:but they're like, What did you say, lady, it's been too many
Jennifer Takagi:years, right? You guys have that work out for you. And I was
Jennifer Takagi:like, sometimes you get a job because you have a degree. And I
Jennifer Takagi:don't know where I came up with this theory, but I share it.
Jennifer Takagi:People don't listen to me, but I shared a lot. They should pay
Jennifer Takagi:attention to me. I want to hear the theory when you go to
Jennifer Takagi:college and you don't have to, right? You can come up with all
Jennifer Takagi:kinds of careers without college. But I wanted to go to
Jennifer Takagi:college. And I wanted to go to college because I wanted to put
Jennifer Takagi:off getting a full time job as long as possible. Like that was
Jennifer Takagi:my most very transparent. Yes, that was my motivating factor. I
Jennifer Takagi:never wanted to drink coffee because I knew if I stayed up
Jennifer Takagi:all night, that wouldn't be good. I was a sleeper. I never
Jennifer Takagi:wanted to take a math class, and I graduated with a separate
Jennifer Takagi:honors degree on top of my Bachelor's, with a double major,
Jennifer Takagi:without ever drinking coffee and without taking a math
Dr Dee:class. I don't know how you did that. Yeah, yeah,
Jennifer Takagi:uh huh. And then never to make it below a
Jennifer Takagi:3.0 because I knew it'd be too hard to bring it up. So like
Jennifer Takagi:those were my goals. No coffee, no math class, never below a 3.0
Jennifer Takagi:and I crushed it, like I won on all those fronts, but I picked
Jennifer Takagi:something that I was interested in and I had an aptitude for. I
Jennifer Takagi:learned languages very easily. I don't know why I just did, but I
Jennifer Takagi:learned them very easily. I liked them. I enjoyed it. So it
Jennifer Takagi:was easy. Easy for me. And I had a boyfriend that I ended up
Jennifer Takagi:marrying for 12 months and 11 days, the worst 12 months and 11
Jennifer Takagi:days of my life. One day said, college is easy for you because
Jennifer Takagi:you have an easy major. And I took that to heart for a little
Jennifer Takagi:while, like, I don't know, like 12 minutes, maybe you're full of
Jennifer Takagi:crap. It is not easy, like I'm in those classes watching people
Jennifer Takagi:fail because they don't know how to conjugate a verb, they don't
Jennifer Takagi:know how to diagram a sentence, and they surely don't have any
Jennifer Takagi:capability of pronouncing something correctly. And I was
Jennifer Takagi:like, Nope, that's not true. And I later, after college, I met
Jennifer Takagi:people. They're like, I had to major in this because my parents
Jennifer Takagi:made me and I hated it and I barely graduated. Why they had
Jennifer Takagi:no interest in it or aptitude for it, but they were forced to
Jennifer Takagi:do it exactly so you you, and it's the same way with a career.
Jennifer Takagi:Sometimes I had to make a list of reasons why I was still with
Jennifer Takagi:the federal government. Because some days it was hard, but it
Jennifer Takagi:was like, Wait, but what do I get out of this? I get to help
Jennifer Takagi:people. I get to help people that wouldn't have had help, but
Jennifer Takagi:otherwise, and I get a paycheck and benefit. So okay, like I can
Jennifer Takagi:do this today. Like I can suck it up, I can do it
Dr Dee:right, put it all
Dr Dee:together, right? Uh
Dr Dee:huh. I love that you said that it is putting it together and
Dr Dee:aligning it with yourself. So this CS Snyder has this hope
Dr Dee:theory. I That was brilliant in 1994 and what he said is,
Dr Dee:people, you said it, I achieved goals. I made him very clear.
Dr Dee:But there was a will in a way. A will is I will do this, or I
Dr Dee:will say, I don't do this, but I will do this. I don't drink
Dr Dee:coffee. It becomes identity, the way is, it connects to my energy
Dr Dee:and it connects to something I just have an aptitude for,
Dr Dee:right? You're more likely, you're 48% more likely, to
Dr Dee:fulfill that goal, because it's very clear for your brain, it
Dr Dee:has an avenue, and then it's a motive, right? Because the heart
Dr Dee:wants to connect to a bigger contribution. So I love that you
Dr Dee:gave that example. So many people are not asking, What am
Dr Dee:I? What's in my purpose? And then it's not going to always be
Dr Dee:easy, but then at least you're aligned. And so disappointment
Dr Dee:comes or a reaction comes, you can say, but it is still my way,
Dr Dee:and I'm learning things in my way. I'm not learning things in
Dr Dee:somebody else's aptitude. I'm learning for me. And so this is
Dr Dee:going to exponentially help my field, or help what I'm doing.
Dr Dee:And I like that, you separate that out to really be able to
Dr Dee:ask yourself, it's both those things and our brains love that
Dr Dee:for success. They love that, right? Very clearly stating that
Jennifer Takagi:so fun. Like, I love this conversation. Like we
Jennifer Takagi:could go on all day. Your book is the hidden power of
Jennifer Takagi:disappointment.
Dr Dee:Yeah, bounce, the hidden power of disappointment. It
Dr Dee:comes out, and I might have it comes out in this fall, probably
Dr Dee:October, to Amazon. It'd be hard.
Jennifer Takagi:Alright, so this podcast is actually coming
Jennifer Takagi:out before, so make a note, and we'll have it in the show notes.
Jennifer Takagi:The book, The Power of the the hidden power of disappointment,
Jennifer Takagi:because usually we're trying to avoid it. And I love that, you
Jennifer Takagi:know, we, number one, we can't avoid it. Number two, that we
Jennifer Takagi:actually have a part of our brain that what like is looking
Jennifer Takagi:for it like, where is that disappointment? Gosh, this has
Jennifer Takagi:been so fun getting to know you, doctor. D you too, as we wrap
Jennifer Takagi:up. Mm, hmm, any final words for the audience?
Dr Dee:Well, I think final words are really explore this
Dr Dee:book, of course. I just think it'll open up the doors. And if
Dr Dee:you are anybody, or leader or a high achiever, look for someone
Dr Dee:that can help, help your mindset and change that you're welcome
Dr Dee:to look at our website, blue egg leadership.com we have starting
Dr Dee:up Monday mind shift labs that are starting in August. But
Dr Dee:there are so many resources out there for you as leaders and
Dr Dee:learn now. So like Jennifer and I, you could take those
Dr Dee:instruments and and lead more effectively without so much
Dr Dee:pain. I think that's what the message is.
Jennifer Takagi:I love that. So all the information to reach out
Jennifer Takagi:to Doctor D and find out more about blue egg leadership will
Jennifer Takagi:be in the show notes, and you're probably on your phone, so all
Jennifer Takagi:you have to do is click the button. It's there. It's not
Jennifer Takagi:hard. It's so easy, you just click the button. I'm Jennifer
Jennifer Takagi:Takagi with destin for success, and I look forward to connecting
Jennifer Takagi:with you soon. Bye.
