Judgments Around Grief | DFS 318

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Jennifer, welcome to the destined for

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success podcast. I'm your host, Jennifer Takagi, and this

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podcast used to be called new manager, media manage. Ride from

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the start. Many of the concepts are the same, but there's a

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little shift. There's a shift, because I know we are all

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destined for success, and I want to help you find the fastest,

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smoothest way to reach your highest best as quickly as

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possible. Join me in today's episode where you're going to

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come up with new ways to build your skills and influence others

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to make the impact you desire to make. I look forward to

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connecting with you soon. Welcome to Destin for success.

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I'm your host, Jennifer Takagi, and in the last episode, Dr Kim

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harms shared her journey of grief, and she has experienced

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an immense amount of grief. She had so many wonderful, beautiful

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things to share that I I can't top that and would never even

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try to what I will try to do is share a little bit of my journey

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through grief. I've I've had quite a bit. If you've been

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following the podcast a while, you've probably heard about a

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lot of it. But my first point I want to make today is that grief

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is a journey. It's a journey that we are all going to take in

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some form or fashion. Chances are, if you're listening, you've

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probably experienced grief. Sometimes we don't apply the

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word grief to all the situations where it should apply, such as

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the actual physical death. Of course, somebody actually passes

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away. That is grief, for sure. But sometimes the grief is the

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loss of a dream. It could be the loss of a job after and during

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the pandemic, a lot of people went through an awful lot of

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grief over losing their jobs, maybe their businesses, their

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homes, some families fell apart. Lot of grief during that time,

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and I'm sure the aftermath is still ongoing. It could be the

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grief of really thinking you were the best qualified person

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for a promotion and you weren't selected. You have to grieve

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that. You have to grieve the loss of not being given what you

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really felt that you earned. So grief shows up in a lot of

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different ways and as many different things and experiences

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that we can grieve our journey to recovering from that grief is

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different for each of us, and like I started this out by

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saying, it's a journey. It's not linear. I had always heard about

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the steps of grief. You go through denial and then

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acceptance and then anger, and I don't even know the steps, but

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when the word steps was used, whether it was implied, intended

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or I just made it up myself because I did. I thought you

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just went from step to step. I thought that it would like end.

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And I had an immense amount of grief in 1995 in the Oklahoma

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City bombing. If you haven't heard that story, I worked in

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the Murrah Federal Building, and I literally was told by God to

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stay home and take care of myself that day, I was really

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sick. I didn't need to go in, but you know, you think you have

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to anyway. So I did not go in that day, and 35 of my friends

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and colleagues were killed within my office and countless

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others within the building that I knew. So that was a huge

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amount of grief, and some people never recovered, like at all,

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and I was very committed to wanting to recover and not

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wanting to relive that day every day, and that's why, oftentimes,

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I don't talk about it a lot. And it's not that I'm not willing to

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like we can have a conversation about it. I could probably

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repeat just about everything that happened that day, because

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it's so vivid. Uh, but I don't, I don't want, or have any deep

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desire, to relive it every day, just as I go about my business,

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living my life. But after that experience, I started noticing

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that, like, it doesn't go step by step. It's more like, do you

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remember reading Family Circus? I know a lot of people don't get

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the newspaper today. I don't even know if you can get it in

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print anymore, but Family Circus was this super funny cartoon,

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and on Sundays, when it came out, on in the Sunday funny part

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of the paper, it was like, it showed a family, and one little

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kid is running around all over the house and just like

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footprints everywhere, and it's like all over the map, literally

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all over the map, all over the board, all over the house. And

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that's what grief is to me, because one day you're going on,

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minding your own business, and bam, you are just knocked upside

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the head with this deep feeling of loss and mourning and oh my

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gosh, like, where did that come from? My parents. I adored. I

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had great parents, and I'm very fortunate to be able to say

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that. And my mom had had a massive stroke. She was way too

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young. She was only 62, and seven years after her stroke, my

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dad was diagnosed with kidney cancer, and he had been her

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primary caregiver, and so for four more years, while my dad

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battled kidney cancer and my mom's health continued to

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decline. My sisters and I were stepping in anyway, in every way

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that we could, to help take care of them, and they died 12 days

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apart, just a month shy of their 57th wedding anniversary. They

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got married at 16 and 18, and that was horrible, like we had

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barely caught our breath from dad passing away and figuring

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out how to take care of mom, because she needed 24 hour care,

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and then she passed away. So it was just a lot, and she had oral

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cancer. We did not know it, but the blessing was she was

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completely paralyzed on her left side from the stroke, and didn't

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feel it. She didn't really have any pain till, literally, five

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days before she died, and as soon as we realized it, she was

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given pain medicine and was really pretty comfortable until

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she passed. But that was a lot. That was a lot. They owned their

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home. We had to get rid of the property and all the things in

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it. And there were a lot of emotions. A lot of it was a lot.

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It was a lot. And it had been two years, right at two years,

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since their passing. And my dad died November 16, and my mom the

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28th they were 12 days apart, and it was Thanksgiving, and it

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was two years later, and my husband happened to be out of

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town, and I just had this overwhelming desire, need to

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bake all my mom's favorites. My mom and I used to bake together

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a lot. We cooked together a lot too, but baking was kind of our

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thing, and the next thing I knew, like, I don't even know

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how many things I had baked, I just found myself on the kitchen

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floor in a ball, just sobbing, and I hurt physically. And that

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was the first time that I had ever noticed, realized, or had

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any concept, that you could physically hurt from grief. I

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knew you could emotionally. I knew that heartache feeling, but

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to have your body be in that much pain. So in addition to it

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not being a linear, step by step process, and it went all over

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the board, and then it was Slappy upside the head, but then

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you could feel it so physically, was overwhelming. So my first

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point is that it's a it's a journey. It's not linear, and

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you may feel it physically if you haven't already, and if you

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have, yes, that's kind of a normal thing. I just, I just

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didn't know it was. It doesn't matter if the information is

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presented to you until you need it, it doesn't make sense, and

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you're just like, Yeah, whatever. And then you're like,

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wow, I wish I had known that well. You, you might have heard

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it before. So to step us up a little bit on this, on this

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podcast, um,

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you. You have to make a decision to experience joy again. You

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have to make a decision to experience joy again. There is a

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very wrong conception which makes it a misconception that if

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you experience joy, then you may not be grieving correctly, or

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you may not have grieved long enough. Well, I'm just here to

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say, right now, right here, that's a bunch of crap. Ola, the

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world is a beautiful place. There is so much to help feel

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joy about there is so much to enjoy. We've heard most of our

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lives. If you haven't, I'll be the first to tell you, there's a

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saying, and it's stop and smell the roses that can be a joyful

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experience. What brings you joy? What brings you happiness? What

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brings you contentment? It's okay to feel joy. It's okay to

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move on. A counselor after the bombing explained it that you

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have an index card in front of your face, and whatever

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traumatic event happened, it's written on that index card, and

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it's held right in front of your face. And those few first few

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days or weeks again, whether it's a physical death of a

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person, loss or even a pet, because we get very attached to

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our fur babies or a job or a dream. It's like when that first

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happens, those first hours, days, weeks, it's like that

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index card is right in front of your face, and that's what you

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see, and it's hard to see anything else, and you shove it

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over just a little bit, and you can see beyond, but, man, it is

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just right back there. It is right there. And if you can pick

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up that index card that holds everything about that track

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tragic event, and you can put it back in your brain and just file

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it away so it's not right in front of your face, and then

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pull it out when you want to revisit it. So for me, the day

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the Oklahoma City bombing, I bring it up in talks like this,

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where it seems like it's suited and it fits. I've been given a

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lot of feedback, direction, guidance, that every talk I do,

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every stage I take, I need to talk about it. And I just

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haven't found a way to make that like really work for me and be

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the message I want to put out there. So I I don't, but I do

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have some talks where I definitely share that message.

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When I have talks about intuition and listening to your

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intuition, or like that time I didn't listen to my intuition,

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there are some really appropriate places where I share

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the message, and again, I'm totally willing to but I think

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there's a time and a place for it. And I pull out that card and

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I revisit that day on April 19 each year, and I try to attend

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the service every year if I can. In 2024 I did not go because I

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had just had my knee replaced a month before, and there's a lot

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of walking involved, and I wasn't sure that I really had

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the stamina yet. Spoiler alert, I wouldn't have had the stamina

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I thought I would. I wanted to, but no, not quite yet. 2025 is

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the 30th anniversary. I really want to go, because that's when

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I go and I honor my friends that I lost. I connect with their

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family members that still go, and that gives me a lot of joy,

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and I enjoy it a lot, and I enjoy reconnecting with those

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people. I have a girls trip planned, and so I may not be

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able to make it for the 30th and that will be the best if I

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don't, it will be the best decision for me, right? So every

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decision we make is the best decision we could make at that

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moment. But joy can come faster. It doesn't have to feel like a

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kid waiting for Christmas. You don't have to wait to feel

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joyful again. I would highly recommend you make a list of

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things that you liked doing and found joy in before this event

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happened, and try to get back to some of that. There was a book,

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and I tried to find the name of it for this episode. And. I was

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unsuccessful in finding it, but it was a religious book, and it

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centered around the theme of when grief becomes a sin. And

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the gist of the book, as best I recall, was that grief becomes a

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sin when you can no longer enjoy the company of others and bring

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glory to God, because obviously it was a religious book. And so

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who, who is, who's losing out on your love and what you bring to

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the party, if you're still in this place of deep seated grief?

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And I'm not saying grief is wrong, grief is right, grief is

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part of life. But sometimes you have to ask yourself, Am I ready

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to move into joy, and can I do it a little step? Can I go get

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some flowers and enjoy those little walk around the park make

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me feel better. A lot of time, physical movement can help. And

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I think that's what unlocked so much about my grief around my

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parents death. When I was baking all that I was moving around the

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kitchen. I was mixing up the next thing, while the last thing

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was in the oven, I was washing those dishes so I was ready to

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go to the next thing and all that movement and all those

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smells, because smells are create very powerful memories.

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Just got it all churned up. And so once I got over my heartbreak

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of the moment, and I started slicing into all those amazing

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baked goods, and remembered all the good about my mom. I

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experienced joy in the midst of my tears. And several years

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later, as friends were losing parents and some lost spouses, I

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started hearing little reverberations of stories about,

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oh, I don't think I'm grieving crap quite right? I, you know, I

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don't this doesn't feel normal, like, am I normal? And so I

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wrote a short book, you know? It's a 10 minute read. I love

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short books, and I was very honored that it became a best

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seller on Amazon. And it's grief, navigating your own path,

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finding your way through grief. And I put the link in the show

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notes if you have any interest in it. I'm not really trying to

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pedal or sell the book here, but just so you know, it's there. I

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I did have a woman I didn't even know was in a group I was in,

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and she was willing to read it, and she thought it had some

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helpful, valuable things. So if you do happen to get it off

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Amazon, I hope it finds you. You find some some peace in it, and

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some very practical steps to start moving forward in your

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grief. One of the things that seemed so bizarre to me as I was

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going through my journey with grief was that other people were

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living their lives, and I kept thinking to myself, how can they

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be living their lives moving forward when this is what I'm

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feeling? And it was a big learning moment when the

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realization came that everybody's in a different place

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on any given day, and my grief journey is a little different

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than yours, but what I had to draw a line on is that my grief,

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my journey, somehow had more importance than yours, or what

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you were going through that day. And this woman gave a talk, and

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she had, she had was battling cancer, and she said, I just

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wanted to jump up and down and scream and tell everybody I have

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cancer. How can you be doing what you're doing when I have

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cancer, and she said, And it dawned on me that not everybody

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is in that place at this time, at this moment, and they don't

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have to be. So we are not alone on our journeys through grief

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and finding our way back to Joy. But we need to find people who

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can help take us along, help us along that path. So whether that

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is a therapist, a counselor, a preacher, your best friend,

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or you just make the decision, I'm going to experience joy

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today. Even if it's just for a few minutes, I encourage and

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urge you to do that today. I'm Jennifer Takagi with destin for

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success, and I look forward to connecting with you soon. Thank

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you for taking your time to spend with me on this latest

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podcast of destin for success, please take a moment to leave a

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review. Share it with a friend and subscribe and get the newest

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episodes every Monday morning. I'm Jennifer Takagi, and I look

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forward to connecting with you soon. You.