Your Past Does Not Define You, Unless You Let It | DFS 347

Jennifer Takagi: 00:00:02

Welcome to Destin for success. I'm your

Jennifer Takagi: 00:00:04

host, Jennifer Takagi, and today we're talking about a very

Jennifer Takagi: 00:00:08

important topic, and that is adults who are living with

Jennifer Takagi: 00:00:12

recovering from the trauma of growing up as children in

Jennifer Takagi: 00:00:17

households with alcoholics. And to speak to this today we have

Jennifer Takagi: 00:00:22

Tammy Vincent. Tammy, welcome to the show. Thank you for being

Jennifer Takagi: 00:00:25

here.

Tammy Vincent: 00:00:26

Thank you so much for having me. Jennifer,

Tammy Vincent: 00:00:28

appreciate it. How

Jennifer Takagi: 00:00:30

did you get into this? Like, what was your

Jennifer Takagi: 00:00:32

journey? What's your back story? How did you get into this very

Jennifer Takagi: 00:00:36

important

Tammy Vincent: 00:00:37

field? So I'll make it quick, even though it

Tammy Vincent: 00:00:40

was a long journey, both of my parents were alcoholics, so I

Tammy Vincent: 00:00:45

know firsthand I have a lot of lived experience as far as what

Tammy Vincent: 00:00:48

it can do to a child and how when that child grows up, all of

Tammy Vincent: 00:00:53

these things that they did to protect themselves and learn how

Tammy Vincent: 00:00:56

to survive in that environment follow them into adulthood. So I

Tammy Vincent: 00:01:01

spent 30 years trying to really figure it out before I finally

Tammy Vincent: 00:01:05

said, Okay, I can finally go out and help people. Now it's not my

Tammy Vincent: 00:01:08

healing. It's not my there's no emotional charge behind talking

Tammy Vincent: 00:01:11

about my mom who did some pretty horrific things. So I'm ready,

Tammy Vincent: 00:01:17

like, literally, I threw in my healing journey. I threw

Tammy Vincent: 00:01:20

everything at the wall that I could possibly think of to try

Tammy Vincent: 00:01:23

to get over all of these things. I learned NLP, I got hypnotized.

Tammy Vincent: 00:01:28

I did EMDR therapy. I learned how to EFT, tap. I I journaled

Tammy Vincent: 00:01:33

1000s and 1000s of hours. I did seven years of inner child work

Tammy Vincent: 00:01:36

like I really did everything because I wanted to not have

Tammy Vincent: 00:01:41

this follow to the next generation. And in that I

Tammy Vincent: 00:01:46

remember finally I was like, wow, I have all of these tools

Tammy Vincent: 00:01:49

after my dad passed, and my father was an alcoholic, but

Tammy Vincent: 00:01:53

there was really no hard feelings with him, because I

Tammy Vincent: 00:01:56

feel like he was kind of a victim in the whole thing too,

Tammy Vincent: 00:01:59

which sounds horrible, because I know we don't like to have that

Tammy Vincent: 00:02:02

victim Victor mentality kind of thing. We don't want to be the

Tammy Vincent: 00:02:05

victim. But my father was a very troubled soul, and with the

Tammy Vincent: 00:02:09

things that he went the unresolved trauma that he never

Tammy Vincent: 00:02:12

dealt with, I could only imagine why he drank. So we anyway, I

Tammy Vincent: 00:02:17

waited till after he passed to where I was like, Okay, it's

Tammy Vincent: 00:02:19

time to tell my story, it's time to help other people heal,

Tammy Vincent: 00:02:22

because it took me 30 years or 20 years to really undo some of

Tammy Vincent: 00:02:28

the things that happen that a lot of people out there, lot of

Tammy Vincent: 00:02:31

my clients, don't even know they're wrestling with these

Tammy Vincent: 00:02:33

effects, right?

Jennifer Takagi: 00:02:35

We didn't always connect the dots. I've

Jennifer Takagi: 00:02:38

through a lot of spiritual healing journeys I've been on. I

Jennifer Takagi: 00:02:42

had the first spiritual healer was like, you do this? And I was

Jennifer Takagi: 00:02:45

like, No, I don't. It's just like, Oh, you do, and this is

Jennifer Takagi: 00:02:48

why. And I was like, No, I don't. Then it was like, Oh,

Jennifer Takagi: 00:02:51

wow, you're, you're, you're right. And now, now that I'm

Jennifer Takagi: 00:02:55

aware, I have a choice,

Unknown: 00:02:57

exactly, exactly.

Jennifer Takagi: 00:03:01

Oh, yeah. So powerful. So you you have taken

Jennifer Takagi: 00:03:06

all your lessons learned for your own healing. And so what

Jennifer Takagi: 00:03:11

does that look like?

Tammy Vincent: 00:03:13

So right now I look, I mean, it's funny,

Tammy Vincent: 00:03:16

because I have clients that are literally, like 75 years old,

Tammy Vincent: 00:03:20

and one, one of them said to me the other day, Tammy, for the

Tammy Vincent: 00:03:22

first time in my life, I feel like I took back control of my

Tammy Vincent: 00:03:26

life, and I was like, kudos to you. Like, now go live your life

Tammy Vincent: 00:03:29

out. Because when you grow up like this and you care, let all

Tammy Vincent: 00:03:32

these characteristics follow you into adulthood, there's a couple

Tammy Vincent: 00:03:36

couple common ones, and it's the people pleasing, it's the lack

Tammy Vincent: 00:03:40

of security, the lack of self esteem, the just the inability

Tammy Vincent: 00:03:45

to say yes to yourself over someone else. And once you can

Tammy Vincent: 00:03:50

combat that, and you can literally realize that your life

Tammy Vincent: 00:03:53

is yours to live, it's like a whole different world. So that's

Tammy Vincent: 00:03:57

what I do. I work with a lot of people just reprogramming. I

Tammy Vincent: 00:04:00

mean, our why our brains are so they're like, Play Doh, like a

Tammy Vincent: 00:04:03

big ball of Play Doh. And they get wired to believe certain

Tammy Vincent: 00:04:07

things, and until you're aware of those certain things, you're

Tammy Vincent: 00:04:10

going to keep acting as if they're true. And then once we

Tammy Vincent: 00:04:14

rewire them, we're like, woo hoo. So that's what I do. I help

Tammy Vincent: 00:04:17

people just realize that. You know, if you're listening to a

Tammy Vincent: 00:04:20

podcast like this, and something gives you a gut punch, and

Tammy Vincent: 00:04:23

you're like, wow, that's me. I don't say no, you know, I don't

Tammy Vincent: 00:04:27

say yes to myself that life can be better. Life can be happier

Tammy Vincent: 00:04:32

and more joyous and just more authentic. Like, you know,

Tammy Vincent: 00:04:35

there's millions and millions of people out there in the world

Tammy Vincent: 00:04:38

right now walking around being what, what I like to call the

Tammy Vincent: 00:04:42

chameleon, and just, literally just blending in to be whatever

Tammy Vincent: 00:04:47

everybody wants them to be, because they don't even know how

Tammy Vincent: 00:04:49

to be themselves or have the confidence to do that. So that's

Tammy Vincent: 00:04:54

what I do. I help people just get there. I help people that

Tammy Vincent: 00:04:57

are kind of in that, ooh, is something wrong? Or. Or, you

Tammy Vincent: 00:05:00

know, why do I feel like I'm a five year old having a temper

Tammy Vincent: 00:05:03

tantrum? I'm like, because you are,

Jennifer Takagi: 00:05:07

no, I don't want to be. I don't want to be.

Jennifer Takagi: 00:05:09

So I love when you said, if you have that, like, that feeling in

Jennifer Takagi: 00:05:14

your gut, oh, that's me. I, I know a lot of of people live

Jennifer Takagi: 00:05:21

their life and they're like, Oh, it wasn't that bad. Like, there

Jennifer Takagi: 00:05:26

might have been drinking in the household, but it wasn't that

Jennifer Takagi: 00:05:28

bad. Like, nobody beat me, um, I wasn't assaulted, so it wasn't

Jennifer Takagi: 00:05:35

that bad, can you?

Tammy Vincent: 00:05:39

Oh, yes, I love to address that, because you

Tammy Vincent: 00:05:42

know what your trauma is. Your trauma when you were a child,

Tammy Vincent: 00:05:45

everything is that bad. So even though you look back at it as a

Tammy Vincent: 00:05:49

40 year old and you go, well, it wasn't that bad. You were an

Tammy Vincent: 00:05:52

innocent child, and it was huge at that time. So it changed the

Tammy Vincent: 00:05:57

way you looked at the world. It changed the way you saw

Tammy Vincent: 00:06:00

yourself. It changed the way you see other people. It changed

Tammy Vincent: 00:06:03

your perception of the safety of the world. So it doesn't matter

Tammy Vincent: 00:06:07

if you were assaulted or beaten. A good example, I have a client

Tammy Vincent: 00:06:12

that for years she just thought, she just felt unlovable by her

Tammy Vincent: 00:06:16

mother, and she's like but my mother told me she loved me all

Tammy Vincent: 00:06:19

the time, and it took us doing some timeline stuff and going

Tammy Vincent: 00:06:22

kind of back and I and we got to talking about our best friend,

Tammy Vincent: 00:06:26

and I said to her, did your friend ever talk about your

Tammy Vincent: 00:06:29

mother? And all of a sudden it was like she lit up, and she

Tammy Vincent: 00:06:32

said to me, oh my gosh, my mother got a new job one time,

Tammy Vincent: 00:06:36

and she was late three days in a row to pick me up for school.

Tammy Vincent: 00:06:39

And my best friend said to me, your mother must not love you

Tammy Vincent: 00:06:42

because she doesn't come up, come to pick you up on time. She

Tammy Vincent: 00:06:46

carried that with her for 45 years. That was the same effect

Tammy Vincent: 00:06:51

as my mother telling me she hated me every day of my life.

Tammy Vincent: 00:06:54

So there is no not that bad. There's no big T Troy. I mean,

Tammy Vincent: 00:06:59

there are big T traumas and little T traumas, but if it

Tammy Vincent: 00:07:02

changes the way you view the world, it was trauma, and it

Tammy Vincent: 00:07:05

needs to be unpacked.

Jennifer Takagi: 00:07:09

And sorry, I have to write notes. I'm avid

Jennifer Takagi: 00:07:14

about it. You're fine. You're fine. We have a recording, but I

Jennifer Takagi: 00:07:17

have to take the notes. Okay, like I I now recognize that I

Jennifer Takagi: 00:07:26

might have some of this trauma, not me personally, but I'm

Jennifer Takagi: 00:07:29

talking for the collective you, the person listening, I might

Jennifer Takagi: 00:07:33

have some of this trauma. So what? What's the first thing I

Jennifer Takagi: 00:07:38

can do now that I think I might like because I think sometimes

Jennifer Takagi: 00:07:44

stepping over that line of I might to acceptance of, yeah, I

Jennifer Takagi: 00:07:48

do can be kind of hard, but like, what's that first step

Tammy Vincent: 00:07:53

is give yourself some grace and know that

Tammy Vincent: 00:07:55

whatever it was, it wasn't your fault. And if you want a better

Tammy Vincent: 00:07:58

life, it's worth pursuing. That's the biggest thing,

Tammy Vincent: 00:08:01

because so much of especially when you're dealing with

Tammy Vincent: 00:08:04

addictive parents, so much there's so much manipulation,

Tammy Vincent: 00:08:07

there's so much just twisting of the way it really was, and you

Tammy Vincent: 00:08:14

have to decide, like, okay, nothing that I did, nothing that

Tammy Vincent: 00:08:17

happened to me was my fault, but I'm ready for something more. I

Tammy Vincent: 00:08:21

tell people, listen to these, these kind of podcasts, you

Tammy Vincent: 00:08:24

know, type in childhood trauma, type in adult child, type in

Tammy Vincent: 00:08:29

anything that's kind of in that area. And just start to listen,

Tammy Vincent: 00:08:32

and you'll see what resonates with you. And then find a tribe,

Tammy Vincent: 00:08:37

whether it's a group, a coach, you know, you can go to Allen,

Tammy Vincent: 00:08:40

there's Al Anon groups that are there's a COA groups, which is

Tammy Vincent: 00:08:44

adult children of alcoholic groups, and now they've actually

Tammy Vincent: 00:08:48

changed it to adult children of alcoholics and dysfunctional

Tammy Vincent: 00:08:51

families, because they're finding that it doesn't

Tammy Vincent: 00:08:53

necessarily have to be addiction in the household that causes

Tammy Vincent: 00:08:56

these mindset changes. And I mean, it could be homelessness,

Tammy Vincent: 00:09:00

it could be job loss, divorce, a suicide. I mean, there's a

Tammy Vincent: 00:09:03

million different things it could be, um, but at the end of

Tammy Vincent: 00:09:06

the day, it leaves the child feeling unworthy and unloved and

Tammy Vincent: 00:09:09

unheard. So

Jennifer Takagi: 00:09:12

unworthy, unloved and unheard. Uh huh, you

Jennifer Takagi: 00:09:18

said those so quickly because you've said them so many times.

Jennifer Takagi: 00:09:21

But why? Yes.

Tammy Vincent: 00:09:25

And so when you start the healing, you go back

Tammy Vincent: 00:09:27

to that. And what, like the six or seven years of consistent

Tammy Vincent: 00:09:31

inner child work I did was going back and kind of re parenting

Tammy Vincent: 00:09:35

that inner child, which is really your subconscious mind.

Tammy Vincent: 00:09:38

It's the it's what's running the show. It's that little child

Tammy Vincent: 00:09:41

that never was, heard, loved, seen, whatever, validated

Tammy Vincent: 00:09:44

whatever it was, you know, told to be quiet and pushed into a

Tammy Vincent: 00:09:48

corner, whatever the what that scenario was. As an adult, we

Tammy Vincent: 00:09:52

act out as that young child, because that's what's stored in

Tammy Vincent: 00:09:55

our in our subconscious mind. I i.

Jennifer Takagi: 00:10:00

I'm not going to get this story right, but it

Jennifer Takagi: 00:10:03

there's somebody who speaks to the idea that you've got that

Jennifer Takagi: 00:10:07

five year old child driving the bus, and the bus is your life,

Jennifer Takagi: 00:10:11

and you're now 45 Are you ready to let that five year old quit

Jennifer Takagi: 00:10:15

driving? Are you ready to step into the driver's seat? But you

Jennifer Takagi: 00:10:19

don't just step into the driver's seat, right? You have

Jennifer Takagi: 00:10:22

to there. There's healing, and there's process that has to

Jennifer Takagi: 00:10:26

happen to be able to move that little five year old back into a

Jennifer Takagi: 00:10:30

seat, a passenger seat, and be the driver Exactly,

Tammy Vincent: 00:10:34

exactly. And sometimes, you know, it's just

Tammy Vincent: 00:10:36

like I said, These things are so ingrained in us. And there's

Tammy Vincent: 00:10:39

people that talk about generational trauma and

Tammy Vincent: 00:10:42

historical trauma and things that are built into our brains

Tammy Vincent: 00:10:45

that we have no control over, that take some reprogramming.

Tammy Vincent: 00:10:49

That's how I got into NLP, because a lot of that was kind

Tammy Vincent: 00:10:52

of taking a situation and reframing it and looking at it

Tammy Vincent: 00:10:56

in a different way. Or, you know, a lot of children I don't.

Tammy Vincent: 00:11:00

I have very little, very few memories. I have years of my

Tammy Vincent: 00:11:04

life that were really blacked out with amnesia because I

Tammy Vincent: 00:11:08

didn't. I blocked them out. I just didn't want to deal with

Tammy Vincent: 00:11:10

them. So what does your brain do when someone says goes, picture

Tammy Vincent: 00:11:14

your six year old self. You fill in what you think happened,

Tammy Vincent: 00:11:19

because you don't know. So I'm like, well, if I'm going to fill

Tammy Vincent: 00:11:22

in a story, let's make it a good one. If I'm going to make stuff

Tammy Vincent: 00:11:27

up anyway, let's make up some good stories. So I just, I

Tammy Vincent: 00:11:31

really like that idea of, you know, for a long time, I felt

Tammy Vincent: 00:11:34

like I was writing my story, but I wasn't holding the pen.

Tammy Vincent: 00:11:37

Somebody else was writing my story for me. They were telling

Tammy Vincent: 00:11:40

me who I was going to be, what I was going to do. I mean, I don't

Tammy Vincent: 00:11:44

know how many, even adults and people that I should have

Tammy Vincent: 00:11:46

respected said, Oh my gosh, because of your family, you will

Tammy Vincent: 00:11:50

never do anything with your life. You will never be anybody.

Tammy Vincent: 00:11:53

You're never going to change. You know, I went through tough

Tammy Vincent: 00:11:57

times. I went through times where I was rebellious. I went

Tammy Vincent: 00:12:00

through times where I was experimental. I'm like, Hey, she

Tammy Vincent: 00:12:02

seems to be doing good, and she's drinks herself to death,

Tammy Vincent: 00:12:05

drank herself to death, but she seemed to be happy in her own

Tammy Vincent: 00:12:09

world. Let me try that. I mean, I went through all of the

Tammy Vincent: 00:12:12

different things, and I didn't really get that support of, you

Tammy Vincent: 00:12:16

know, life can be different, and I think that's what I'm here to

Tammy Vincent: 00:12:19

do, is, you know, your past doesn't define you. It was just

Tammy Vincent: 00:12:22

something that happened you define you.

Jennifer Takagi: 00:12:26

I love that, and I love that when you know

Jennifer Takagi: 00:12:28

that's the the title of your talk, of your story, of what you

Jennifer Takagi: 00:12:32

share is your past does not have to define you. And I think we,

Jennifer Takagi: 00:12:38

my age group, anyway, kind of grew up in the idea of your kind

Jennifer Takagi: 00:12:43

of born into this class or this category and and that's all it's

Jennifer Takagi: 00:12:49

ever going to be. And I knew that was wrong, like I knew you

Jennifer Takagi: 00:12:54

could elevate yourself and do better, but one of my sisters is

Jennifer Takagi: 00:12:59

a elementary school principal, and all these kids had this book

Jennifer Takagi: 00:13:04

I was in to help with standardized testing, and they

Jennifer Takagi: 00:13:07

have to have proctors, and I was a proctor because I could make

Jennifer Takagi: 00:13:11

the time for that. And they had this book, and I was like, what

Jennifer Takagi: 00:13:14

is that book everybody has? And she goes, Oh, pick one up and

Jennifer Takagi: 00:13:16

just take it. They're everywhere. And I took it home

Jennifer Takagi: 00:13:22

and I got it read like just very quickly. It's probably written

Jennifer Takagi: 00:13:25

at the fourth or fifth grade level, probably, and it was

Jennifer Takagi: 00:13:29

called, I believe The Boy Who Carried Bricks. And it's a true

Jennifer Takagi: 00:13:34

story of a young man who was born into an alcoholic, abusive

Jennifer Takagi: 00:13:39

household, family, and when he was, like, seven years old, he

Jennifer Takagi: 00:13:42

decided, I don't want to do this anymore. And Kyle called Child

Jennifer Takagi: 00:13:45

Protective Services to come get him. He was like, I don't want

Jennifer Takagi: 00:13:49

to live in this anymore. And I've really, at various points,

Jennifer Takagi: 00:13:53

gotten really caught up in man. What makes a little kid decide

Jennifer Takagi: 00:13:58

this is not for me? He's now married with children. He's a

Jennifer Takagi: 00:14:02

preacher. He helps, you know, guide people, and he had come to

Jennifer Takagi: 00:14:06

the school and talk to the kids, and that's why there were so

Jennifer Takagi: 00:14:09

many books around and available to get his story out. Um, I

Jennifer Takagi: 00:14:14

just, I wonder, like, what is it? What Spark is it that we

Jennifer Takagi: 00:14:20

know there's more. There's something different. And I was

Jennifer Takagi: 00:14:23

in a training program in the last week or two, and the

Jennifer Takagi: 00:14:26

gentleman said, if you have a message to share, you have to

Jennifer Takagi: 00:14:30

share it, because if someone had sparked me earlier, I would have

Jennifer Takagi: 00:14:34

made some different life choices. Like, what are all

Jennifer Takagi: 00:14:37

those things? So how can we spark people not to go into like

Jennifer Takagi: 00:14:44

a pity party, and this is my life. It's terrible, but address

Jennifer Takagi: 00:14:48

the fact that there was trauma there, and I want to move past

Jennifer Takagi: 00:14:53

it. And I guess before that is I can move past it, there is a

Jennifer Takagi: 00:14:56

path. Like, how do we get that message out? Uh,

Tammy Vincent: 00:15:00

the only thing you can do is be like me and

Tammy Vincent: 00:15:02

have a podcast. Be like you have a podcast. Get up on this roof

Tammy Vincent: 00:15:06

and literally scream, there's a better life out there, and you

Tammy Vincent: 00:15:09

deserve it. Um, it takes one, literally, one comment from one

Tammy Vincent: 00:15:14

podcast. I've had so many people say to me, oh my gosh, I heard

Tammy Vincent: 00:15:18

that lady on your podcast say this, and it changed my whole

Tammy Vincent: 00:15:21

life. So if, if they heard it on my podcast, I mean, there's

Tammy Vincent: 00:15:25

millions of podcasts out there, so that's really what it takes,

Tammy Vincent: 00:15:29

because it's just educating people don't know they think

Tammy Vincent: 00:15:32

this was my life. This is what I born into. And kudos to that

Tammy Vincent: 00:15:36

gentleman for knowing that at seven years old, because

Tammy Vincent: 00:15:41

typically your brain is not even developed enough to make those

Tammy Vincent: 00:15:44

choices. What happens to most people is that those are their

Tammy Vincent: 00:15:48

caregivers. They they internalize and they flip the

Tammy Vincent: 00:15:52

blame on themselves versus blaming the person that is that

Tammy Vincent: 00:15:57

they're dependent on for their safety, their their everything.

Tammy Vincent: 00:16:00

So most kids internalize and flip it around. It wasn't until

Tammy Vincent: 00:16:03

I was 26 years old and had a couple suicide attempts and

Tammy Vincent: 00:16:08

depression and everything else that I was getting ready to have

Tammy Vincent: 00:16:13

a child, and that's what flipped me around, because I refused to

Tammy Vincent: 00:16:17

have a child and bring it into this world if I didn't know how

Tammy Vincent: 00:16:20

to do better than my parents did to me. So it really honestly,

Tammy Vincent: 00:16:26

when I started the journey to heal, it wasn't even for me, it

Tammy Vincent: 00:16:29

was for my child. You had a bigger purpose. I Yes, and we

Tammy Vincent: 00:16:34

all, and that's the thing. Like people need to understand,

Tammy Vincent: 00:16:37

everybody has a purpose. Like you said, if you have a story,

Tammy Vincent: 00:16:40

share it. We all have a purpose. It's not necessarily to take our

Tammy Vincent: 00:16:44

pain and turn it into someone else's learning. That's not

Tammy Vincent: 00:16:48

everybody's purpose. I feel like that's my purpose. I was given a

Tammy Vincent: 00:16:51

testimony or a test so that I could have a testimony, and I

Tammy Vincent: 00:16:56

use that to show you know, 1000 people throughout my life, told

Tammy Vincent: 00:17:00

me I would be nothing, but I still became a best selling

Tammy Vincent: 00:17:03

author. I have a podcast. I'm coaching. I love what I'm doing.

Tammy Vincent: 00:17:06

I get I I enjoy my life. When people, I don't know how many

Tammy Vincent: 00:17:11

people, said to me, I can't believe you're still around. I

Tammy Vincent: 00:17:13

talked to people in high school. They're like, wow, you survived.

Tammy Vincent: 00:17:17

I'm like, Wow,

Jennifer Takagi: 00:17:20

thank goodness I had a little more faith in

Jennifer Takagi: 00:17:22

myself than you had in me. Mm,

Tammy Vincent: 00:17:24

hmm, yep. And we have to find it in ourself.

Tammy Vincent: 00:17:27

That's the big thing. Is you have to really want it. And you

Tammy Vincent: 00:17:30

have to to know that there might not be a shining arm, you know,

Tammy Vincent: 00:17:34

a knight in shining armor to come save you, you have to save

Tammy Vincent: 00:17:37

yourself.

Jennifer Takagi: 00:17:38

Yeah, yeah. And that's so important. So I love

Jennifer Takagi: 00:17:42

the idea of listening to podcasts. Find a tribe. The ACOA

Jennifer Takagi: 00:17:47

group is a great one to get into. So if someone is

Jennifer Takagi: 00:17:52

listening, what is something on self care? Because, you know,

Jennifer Takagi: 00:17:57

that's such a big deal that we don't do. What is one thing that

Jennifer Takagi: 00:18:02

somebody listening could do for themselves today? Like, I'm I'm

Jennifer Takagi: 00:18:06

not ready to step out and join anything. But like, what could

Jennifer Takagi: 00:18:12

somebody do for themselves today? Start

Tammy Vincent: 00:18:15

treating themselves like their own best

Tammy Vincent: 00:18:16

friend. So you have that inner talk, you have that, you know,

Tammy Vincent: 00:18:21

if you have that guilt shame lifestyle where you're not good

Tammy Vincent: 00:18:26

enough or you're not deserving, EV be, start being aware of that

Tammy Vincent: 00:18:30

self talk. And every time something comes up and it hits

Tammy Vincent: 00:18:34

you when you you know, if you do something wrong and you got I'm

Tammy Vincent: 00:18:37

so stupid, because that's what will happen. Write it down and

Tammy Vincent: 00:18:41

say, No, I'm not and start challenging that. And instead of

Tammy Vincent: 00:18:45

comparing yourself to I mean, our expectations for ourselves

Tammy Vincent: 00:18:50

are way higher than they are for anybody else. So start comparing

Tammy Vincent: 00:18:53

it to how you would treat your own best friend. You know, if

Tammy Vincent: 00:18:57

your friend made a mistake, would you tell them they were

Tammy Vincent: 00:18:59

stupid? No, you they would say, hey, sucking up buttercup,

Tammy Vincent: 00:19:03

you're okay. I love you anyway. So start doing that to yourself.

Jennifer Takagi: 00:19:07

I love that analogy. I've heard that before,

Jennifer Takagi: 00:19:11

and it is, I had somebody stop me one time and they said, I

Jennifer Takagi: 00:19:17

just, I just love you too much to have you talk to yourself

Jennifer Takagi: 00:19:20

that way, because you're my friend, and I wouldn't talk to

Jennifer Takagi: 00:19:22

you that way, so you shouldn't. And I had a really big lesson a

Jennifer Takagi: 00:19:28

number of years ago, I was seeing a counselor, which I

Jennifer Takagi: 00:19:32

think are amazing people get the right one, and it's a phenomenal

Jennifer Takagi: 00:19:36

experience. And I said, Well, my friend at work said, blah, blah,

Jennifer Takagi: 00:19:41

blah. And I kept going with the story, and she stopped me, and

Jennifer Takagi: 00:19:47

she said, What did she say? And I repeated it, and she goes and

Jennifer Takagi: 00:19:53

who said that? And I said, my friend at work. And she said,

Jennifer Takagi: 00:19:57

No, that is not a first. Friend, a friend would never treat you

Jennifer Takagi: 00:20:02

that way. We need to redefine friend. That person's a

Jennifer Takagi: 00:20:06

coworker, she's a colleague, she's an acquaintance, she's not

Jennifer Takagi: 00:20:11

a friend. And so I think we often also get caught up in

Jennifer Takagi: 00:20:17

people are in our circle, and we just think that's the way it is,

Jennifer Takagi: 00:20:23

but they don't have to be in your circle. And that was a

Jennifer Takagi: 00:20:26

pivotal I can talk like I'm a professional here, but can get

Jennifer Takagi: 00:20:32

this out, that idea of I can choose who my friends are, and I

Jennifer Takagi: 00:20:40

don't have to spend time with everyone, exactly.

Tammy Vincent: 00:20:43

And I think that's part of you know, once

Tammy Vincent: 00:20:45

you start treating yourself like your own best friend, I think

Tammy Vincent: 00:20:48

that's the next thing, is to really understand your what you

Tammy Vincent: 00:20:52

stand for, and start setting some boundaries around that. And

Tammy Vincent: 00:20:56

one of the biggest things you're going to have, I mean, if you

Tammy Vincent: 00:20:59

start on a true healing journey, you are going to lose people in

Tammy Vincent: 00:21:04

your life, but you're going to lose the people that don't need

Tammy Vincent: 00:21:07

to be in your life anyway. I know I've had people that, even

Tammy Vincent: 00:21:10

clients that have dealt with family members, and I ask them,

Tammy Vincent: 00:21:13

I say, if they weren't in your family, would they be in your

Tammy Vincent: 00:21:16

life? And they're like, No, I'm like, than the people that just

Tammy Vincent: 00:21:21

consider them, the people that love you, your family, and those

Tammy Vincent: 00:21:25

are the and I know it sounds all hard and cold and everything

Tammy Vincent: 00:21:28

else, but you get to choose what stays in it. You know it. You

Tammy Vincent: 00:21:33

have a door to your heart or your door to your life, and you

Tammy Vincent: 00:21:36

get to choose who walks in and out of it. But until you

Tammy Vincent: 00:21:39

understand what you stand for. You'll never do that. And so

Tammy Vincent: 00:21:45

that's a big part of, you know, and that that takes some, all of

Tammy Vincent: 00:21:48

these steps kind of take an accountability, person, a group,

Tammy Vincent: 00:21:51

or some it's very hard to do the whole process on your own,

Tammy Vincent: 00:21:55

because you can, you know, it's like, I say, you can do

Tammy Vincent: 00:21:58

affirmations all day long. You can look at a picture of

Tammy Vincent: 00:22:00

yourself in the mirror and say, you know, I love you. You're a

Tammy Vincent: 00:22:03

wonderful you are amazing. But when the rubber hits the road

Tammy Vincent: 00:22:07

and you have to do something for yourself and make a split

Tammy Vincent: 00:22:10

decision, you are making it from whatever your internal beliefs

Tammy Vincent: 00:22:13

are. So

Jennifer Takagi: 00:22:16

getting out like you have to get out and

Jennifer Takagi: 00:22:19

interact with people. I had breakfast with a friend the

Jennifer Takagi: 00:22:21

other day, and she's got some hard things going on with her

Jennifer Takagi: 00:22:24

adult child. And I said, What are you going to do for you? And

Jennifer Takagi: 00:22:28

she mentioned several things, but they were all in the house,

Jennifer Takagi: 00:22:31

within the house. And I said, Don't forget, you have to get

Jennifer Takagi: 00:22:36

out. You. You have to get out and see that there's a bigger

Jennifer Takagi: 00:22:39

world out there, life is happening in different ways for

Jennifer Takagi: 00:22:43

different people. And if you just stay locked in your house

Jennifer Takagi: 00:22:46

with your own story, you you can't step out of that story,

Jennifer Takagi: 00:22:51

because you're just in it and cutting people out of your life.

Jennifer Takagi: 00:22:55

We don't want to take that lightly, right? No, it's a it's

Jennifer Takagi: 00:22:59

a huge decision. I I do have one friend who did need to cut her

Jennifer Takagi: 00:23:03

mother out of her life, and it was the right choice. But for

Jennifer Takagi: 00:23:07

other people, it's just reducing the amount of time you spend

Jennifer Takagi: 00:23:10

with them. Yeah, I like. I was given guidance once. Well, if

Jennifer Takagi: 00:23:15

Christmas is too long at that relative's house, go later and

Jennifer Takagi: 00:23:20

leave earlier. Mm, hmm. I didn't have to cut them out. I didn't

Jennifer Takagi: 00:23:24

have to have a big scene. I just right my own car and showed up a

Jennifer Takagi: 00:23:29

little bit later, and then I a little bit earlier. So it

Jennifer Takagi: 00:23:34

doesn't have to be a big dramatic thing.

Tammy Vincent: 00:23:37

No, it doesn't. And it can even be something,

Tammy Vincent: 00:23:40

you know, with like, the boundaries of having the courage

Tammy Vincent: 00:23:44

to say, you know, I really don't appreciate you talking to me

Tammy Vincent: 00:23:46

that way. If you do, I'm leaving, you know, and those

Tammy Vincent: 00:23:50

things, those are, those are the tough things. Family holidays

Tammy Vincent: 00:23:53

are really hard, because a lot of times we're with the people

Tammy Vincent: 00:23:56

that cause us the the trauma to begin with. And you want it to

Tammy Vincent: 00:24:00

be a nice environment, and you do the best you can, but you

Tammy Vincent: 00:24:04

have to be able to do that and also still be yourself and not

Tammy Vincent: 00:24:09

bend over backwards to please everybody else and not hurt

Tammy Vincent: 00:24:13

their feelings. And that's that's a balancing act. And I

Tammy Vincent: 00:24:17

always say, if a relationship is able to be mended, by all means,

Tammy Vincent: 00:24:21

work on mending it. I'm not saying cut everybody toxic out

Tammy Vincent: 00:24:24

of your life, but like you said, limit the time. Have some

Tammy Vincent: 00:24:28

boundaries. A good example is I have a lot of clients whose

Tammy Vincent: 00:24:33

parents are still drinking, and they have young children now,

Tammy Vincent: 00:24:37

and they're like, the holidays are so hard, because I know my

Tammy Vincent: 00:24:39

mom's going to be drunk on Thanksgiving. So you tell them,

Tammy Vincent: 00:24:42

hey, if you're drinking when we get there, I'm out. And then

Tammy Vincent: 00:24:46

it's their choice, because those boundaries are not to hurt the

Tammy Vincent: 00:24:50

other person. They're to protect you and your family.

Jennifer Takagi: 00:24:53

I read a magazine article years ago. I

Jennifer Takagi: 00:24:56

hadn't been married very long, and we were. Uh, struggle might

Jennifer Takagi: 00:25:01

be too big of a word, but we were trying to navigate the

Jennifer Takagi: 00:25:04

whole holiday season situation with my family and his family,

Jennifer Takagi: 00:25:08

and, you know, my sisters being able to come his brother, like

Jennifer Takagi: 00:25:12

we were trying to navigate all that. And I read this magazine

Jennifer Takagi: 00:25:17

article, and it was along the lines of, you're an adult now,

Jennifer Takagi: 00:25:23

you cannot recreate your childhood memories like the good

Jennifer Takagi: 00:25:28

ones. I'm talking about the good ones. You can't recreate those

Jennifer Takagi: 00:25:31

good memories and make them happen again, because there are

Jennifer Takagi: 00:25:35

different players. You have to create your own new traditions.

Jennifer Takagi: 00:25:42

And I think that would be very true here. Like the tradition

Jennifer Takagi: 00:25:46

used to be go to moms, but now mom's drunk every time we get

Jennifer Takagi: 00:25:50

there. Maybe the tradition needs to be it's at my house. It's a

Jennifer Takagi: 00:25:53

little earlier in the day and ends earlier. So mom hasn't had

Jennifer Takagi: 00:25:57

such a good run at kicking the day

Unknown: 00:26:00

off, right, right,

Jennifer Takagi: 00:26:03

right. We've gotta think through these

Jennifer Takagi: 00:26:04

things. So if somebody wants to work with you, we'll, of course,

Jennifer Takagi: 00:26:07

have all the links in the show notes. But, but how do you work

Jennifer Takagi: 00:26:11

with clients? Do you work one on one? Do you have group programs

Jennifer Takagi: 00:26:13

like, how do people work with you to get beyond this?

Tammy Vincent: 00:26:18

Uh, mostly it's one on one. I am have, I do have

Tammy Vincent: 00:26:21

a group program right now. I want to, I want healing and all

Tammy Vincent: 00:26:24

this to be completely in accessible to everybody. So I

Tammy Vincent: 00:26:28

have a group program, which I'm kind of revamping, which should

Tammy Vincent: 00:26:31

open back up, where people can just jump on and talk about

Tammy Vincent: 00:26:34

whatever, and like, three or four times a week. And it also

Tammy Vincent: 00:26:38

goes along with, I do have a, I guess you could call it like a

Tammy Vincent: 00:26:41

signature course. It's called trials to triumph. And so with

Tammy Vincent: 00:26:45

that course, why people are taking it, they have constant,

Tammy Vincent: 00:26:48

you know, message, access to me and everything, just for

Tammy Vincent: 00:26:52

support. And it goes through, really, every aspect of being an

Tammy Vincent: 00:26:57

adult child and what you've been through. But mostly, most of my

Tammy Vincent: 00:27:00

clients are one on one, and they could just reach out, book a

Tammy Vincent: 00:27:04

call. I just tailor packages to whatever. Some people just want.

Tammy Vincent: 00:27:08

Hey, I just want to work through this one thing. Most people find

Tammy Vincent: 00:27:12

that when, when they work through one thing, it's it leads

Tammy Vincent: 00:27:14

to another thing, another thing. So I just work out custom

Tammy Vincent: 00:27:18

packages forever. It could, you know, for everyone, it could be

Tammy Vincent: 00:27:20

a day, it could be three months, six months a year. So whatever

Tammy Vincent: 00:27:24

level of need and support someone needs, I don't, there's

Tammy Vincent: 00:27:28

no ABC to this journey. I could, I could have a plan. Who today

Tammy Vincent: 00:27:33

we're going to do this, and then you come in and you're at a

Tammy Vincent: 00:27:36

totally different place, and you might need some just, you know,

Tammy Vincent: 00:27:40

nervous system reset. Who knows? It could be anything. So I'm

Tammy Vincent: 00:27:43

very much into it. Needs to be flexible, but people I want to

Tammy Vincent: 00:27:48

work with, the people that want to make the transformation.

Jennifer Takagi: 00:27:51

Oh, that's so beautiful. Thank you, Tammy. I

Jennifer Takagi: 00:27:54

appreciate you being here today and sharing all of your wisdom

Jennifer Takagi: 00:27:58

and knowledge with

Tammy Vincent: 00:27:58

the audience. Well, thank you for having me. I

Tammy Vincent: 00:28:01

appreciate it. As we wrap this

Jennifer Takagi: 00:28:03

up, what is your final thought,

Tammy Vincent: 00:28:07

that you're worth it, that you were put on this

Tammy Vincent: 00:28:10

earth beautiful, divine and joyous, and that all the stuff

Tammy Vincent: 00:28:13

that happened in between, then and now was not your fault, and

Tammy Vincent: 00:28:18

you deserve to be that beautiful, divine, joyous

Tammy Vincent: 00:28:20

creature again. So every step you make in the right direction

Tammy Vincent: 00:28:23

is 100% worth it, and you're worth it, and you're perfect,

Tammy Vincent: 00:28:27

just the way you are right now.

Jennifer Takagi: 00:28:30

Oh my gosh, thank you for that. I'm Jennifer

Jennifer Takagi: 00:28:33

Takagi with destin for success, and I look forward to connecting

Jennifer Takagi: 00:28:37

with you soon. You.