Letting Go of Your Inner Bully | DFS 316

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Welcome to Destin for success. I'm your

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host, Jennifer Takagi, and I like to dive a little deeper

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into the conversation we had last week with Malcolm Grissom,

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and he was sharing about the inner bully and how we need to

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detect it, detach from it, and then detox ourself from it, and

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just to change it up a little bit so I don't still haul all of

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his words. I'm calling this episode letting go of your inner

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critic. You've heard the term before. You're your own worst

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critic, and I'm here to say that is true. It is true for me, and

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it's true for you, whether you've admitted it yet or not. I

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did a class for the great state of Oklahoma, and there were like

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30 the room held 36 so there were over 30, maybe there were

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36 I don't remember, but it was a new class. I had never taught

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it before, and I was very skeptical about it, like a new

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thing, you're a little bit scared about a new thing, and I

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was a little bit uneasy about it. Didn't really have that

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confidence. Confidence comes from doing right and knowing you

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can handle it. And the evaluations came in, and at the

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time you could actually pick them up when you were live in

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the room, and it was before everything had been automated.

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And I'm looking through the evaluations, and they're all

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good, they're all good, they're all good. And then this one was

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so harsh, it was very harsh, and I thought, I can never teach

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that class again, like I can't do it. Fast forward several

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weeks. I'm teaching a different class. I've taught this class

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before. I'm very confident about it. I know what stories I'm

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going to tell. I know how to motivate and engage the

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audience. So I'm really, I'm really happy about this class.

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And I get there, and one of the leaders of the team that I'm on,

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or I mean, they're on, and they've contracted with me to do

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some training. She comes in to make sure the room is set up and

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ready to go, which is one of the reasons I love training. For the

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state, they have everything ready to go. I just have to show

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up and and do my thing. And she came in and she was like, how's

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it going? Is everything ready? And I said, Yep, it looks like

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everything's ready to go. I said, but hey, I want to talk to

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you about that training I did the other day. It was really

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bad. And she was What do you mean? It was really bad? And I

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said, I got that one review that was horrible. And she looked at

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me and said, Jennifer, like there were over 30 people in the

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room. Everybody gave you a raving review, except that one.

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And I was like, I know, but it like it was really bad. And she

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said, If there's only one really bad one, I just overlook it and

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keep going. I'm never gonna get caught up because of one bad

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evaluation. And she said, Actually, I don't even think it

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was really that bad, which was super kind on her part, but

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like, I was like, what I can never teach that class again.

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And I was terrible was, it turns out, I taught that class, I

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don't know how many more times when covid came around. That was

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one of the most requested classes I had obviously like

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nailed how to teach that class, but that inner voice, that inner

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critic, was saying, you can't teach that class. You're not any

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good at it. Pick one of these others that you're good at. Now,

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that person who did the evaluation, I don't know if it

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was a man or a woman, but they shared their personal insights

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or feelings reactions to the class. But I took it. I took it

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and ran with it, and now I'm like, even telling other people,

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oh, I can't teach that class. I'm terrible at it, like I wish

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they would find somebody else. As it turns out, I was the only

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other person who had ever taught it, so they kept giving it to

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me, but I was like, I shouldn't teach this when you're

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struggling to get over all the negative thoughts in your head.

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You we me, I often will find something negative about

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somebody else. Like, that's the way we do it. I'm going to beat

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myself up, and I'm going to beat you up too. What if we started

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with others? Like, if we're not ready, really ready, to get rid

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of the inner ability in us, the inner critic. I. What if we

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started getting rid of it around other people, or identified when

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they were doing it? I was recently in an event, and I

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believe it was Ed mylett. Said, if it wasn't Ed mylett, it was

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Brenda Bouchard said somebody talked down on themselves, and

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their response was to say, Hey, you can't talk to yourself like

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that. I respect you too much to let you talk to yourself that

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way. What you respect me too much for me to speak to myself

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this way. Wow, that is so powerful. That is so powerful.

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So I started working at incorporating that into

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conversation. So I'm talking to a friend of mine, and she says

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something really negative about herself. And I was like, Hey,

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wait a minute. Time out. I respect you too much to have you

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speak to yourself that way. And that stopped her in her tracks.

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So now I have a very heightened awareness of what I say, like we

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should always be aware of what we say. We shouldn't just

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flippantly say things, but it's like this special level of

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awareness. So I'm thinking, if I can start noticing other people

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criticizing themselves and stop that from happening, I might be

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able to recognize it a little bit in myself, so I'll look for

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it in other people. I'll start identifying when they're saying

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it. Then I can become more aware of when I say it myself. And if

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you've ever gotten my 12 minute gift.com, it's a three part

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audio series. One of the first steps in that three part is wire

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your brain. It's been wired for so many years, but let's go in

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and rewire it differently. Let's identify those negative things

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we're saying to ourselves, if we start identifying when other

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people are doing it, then we can start identifying ourselves and

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start making note of when we do it. What are the circumstances?

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I often criticize myself the most when it's something I've

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never done before, or maybe it's something I've only done a time

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or two. You often don't get great at something the first

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time you do it, like you can't pick up a tennis racket and be a

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pro Tiger Woods playing golf. He started playing what two years

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old. As soon as he could walk and hold a golf club. He

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practiced for years and years and years. Yeah, he has talent.

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Yes, he's a prodigy, but it takes practice. Michael Jordan,

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oh, you know, did 10 bazillion practices and free throws, so it

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takes a lot of practice to get better. So I criticize myself

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when I can't do something quickly, easily and perfectly

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the first time. And I have to wonder, is that even reasonable?

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The big answer is no, it is not reasonable for me, and it's not

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reasonable for you either. So when you start looking at wiring

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of your brain and rewiring it, recognizing what you're saying

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to yourself is like a huge step. So step one is start noticing it

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in other people, then you can become more hyper aware of when

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you're doing it yourself. Then the next thing, which is super

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fun. And I was reminded of this just recently, and I was like,

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dang, I did not really step into that. I was at a fabulous

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retreat with the amazing Hillary to Caesar. You might see her all

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over the social media. She's an amazing powerhouse, and she had

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us all create an alter ego, a fly just dive bombed me. Where

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did that come from? Sitting in my house. Sorry. But Hillary had

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us all create our own Alter Ego, and with our Alter Ego, who is

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she? In my case, who is she going to be? How is she going to

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show up? What is she going to do to transform herself, her life

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and the world? She had us give her a name. She had us decide

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what kind of clothes she was going. Aware.

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How's she going to speak? How is she going to own her space when

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you walk into your room? How do you want to show up if you walk

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in with your head down, your shoulder slumped and kind of

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slink in, don't be disappointed when you leave and nobody

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noticed that you were there. It's not their fault you chose

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not to show up as your biggest and best self. Do you walk in,

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standing up straight, chin up, looking around, making eye

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contact with people, smiling, saying, hello. It is a conscious

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decision. It's a conscious choice how you want to show up.

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Recently, we had a little exercise in the Brenda brochards

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Ultra mastermind group, and it was, I can't remember exactly

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the terminology, but it was along the lines of, how do you

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want people to perceive you? Wow, that's a whole different

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thing. When I walk in a room, what do I want people to see?

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How do I want to make them feel? And how do I want them to

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perceive me and my essence and my presence and how I show up in

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the world? Not only do I want to be accepted by other people, I

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want to be very accepting of them. I want to be inclusive.

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That's how I want to show up in the world. I want people to feel

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comfortable and wanted do I achieve this with every

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interaction I'm very sad to disappoint myself and possibly

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disappoint you. But no, I don't, not every time. Is that a goal?

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Yes, is a goal. Is that a goal? I think is worth striving for?

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Yes, I do. So let's start letting go of our inner critic.

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It probably wasn't as catastrophic as you think it

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was. Anyway, mine wasn't. I finally told him at the state

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when they would have all the evaluations be done

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electronically so I wouldn't see him sometimes for weeks and

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weeks after a class was done, then I didn't even remember who

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was in the class or what happened at that point, and I

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called and said, Hey, if you see something on an evaluation

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that's really bad, would you please holler at me and let me

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know I need to look at it. Because I'm not going to look at

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him anymore. I'm not going to. I don't need to. I don't want to.

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I'm not gonna. I'm not gonna. I put my foot down. People are

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gonna tell me when I really need to know something, and I'm gonna

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make shifts and adjustments as it's appropriate. We cut

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ourselves down too much. We hire hold ourselves to really high

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standards, and we can hold ourselves to high standards as

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long as we don't beat ourselves up when we don't hit the mark

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every day. Give yourself some grace. There's a pretty good

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chance you give other people in your life a lot of grace, a lot

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of latitude. Give yourself a little bit of grace. I'm

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Jennifer Takagi with destin for success, and I look forward to

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connecting with you soon. You.